Monday, December 31, 2012

How to Install Husband 1.0

Ladies, every wonder why guys are so difficult? It is because of our Hardware, Firmware, and Software installation of Husband1.0. I hope you know understand why it is so difficult to do!


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SPORTS 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Jane
Frustrated Luddite
_______________________________
Reply

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System (OS).

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.exe and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend:  Cooking 3.0, Good Looks 7.7, and the expansion packs Horny 3.0 and Vixen 1.1.

Good Luck Madam!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Live a Life Worth Living

Included is a short (3 min) film narrated by Alan Watts titled "What if Money Were No Object."   It talks about how to live a life worth living. As the Dali Lama says..

“Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future, that he does not enjoy the present moment. As a result, he does not live in the present or the future, he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never truly lived.”

Why Teachers Drink

This Post has to do with actual responses to this year’s GED exams taken by 16 year-olds across the country. Only the best where listed here, but is so sad to think that in a few years these kids will be able to vote. Wow. Enjoy, and be very, very afraid


Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

(mustard must be when the leaves turn yellow?)

Q
. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. 

(wow, covered all the bases with this one)
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. 

(this is a great Malapropism!) 
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. 

(well, partially true, no matter what we are going to get screwed in a election)

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 
(and apparently cosmopolitan too!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 
(OK..So true)
 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. 
(Oh my, I guess is what it means to go stud?)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. 
(Simple, but brilliant)
 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. 
(apparently, they were not using their brainium, and I would like to see this person take a dump)                                                 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium 
(That would work)
 

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome 
(at least they did not say a slice pizza)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. 
(Irrefutable)
 

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
 
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. 
(OMG)
 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 
(brilliant, and my brother’s daughter is my Denise)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 
(now I understand why the dervishes are whirling!)

Monday, December 24, 2012

Hope and a Reindeer

I hope all finds you well during this holiday season and for Christmas. If you believe or not what happened all those years ago, the season is about hope, joy, good will and for a better world. These are now universal thoughts, that were birthed in a little town of Bethlehem. In that vein, and since everyday is Fryday, I would like to share another story of hope..about how Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer came to pass. We all have a little misery come into our lives now and the, it is what we do with it that counts. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas..

 
A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life.

Life always had to be different for Bob. Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook!

Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day.
But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph.

That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either. 


Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.*

*MERRY CHRISTMAS*, May your days and ways be filled with good stories and great friends!!




Sunday, December 9, 2012

Philosophers' Philosophies on Marriage

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” ~David Bissonete 


“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..” ~Sacha Guitry 


“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.” ~Socrates 


“The great question which I have not been able to answer is,‘What does a woman want?’” ~Dumas


“I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.” ~James Holt McGavra 


“There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.” ~Sam Kinison 


“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.” ~Sigmund Freud 


“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” ~Anonymous 


“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” ~Anonymous 


 “My wife and I were happy for twenty years! Then we met.” ~Henny Youngman 


“The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....” ~Nash 


 ”Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming? 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.” ~Patrick Murra 


“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” ~Rodney Dangerfield


“A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine’.” ~Anonymous


“First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.’”  ~Anonymous

Monday, December 3, 2012

Only a Farm Kid...

This post goes to the heart of who I am… I went to school at a young age in what used to be the farmlands of Smokey Mountain Piedmont in Virginia about an hour’s drive west from D.C.. When out in the sticks, everything seems different…even our common language has totally different meanings…so when you speak, careful to know "where" you are...


 


A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."