Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Code Words Women Use

Yes, gentlemen...women have a language all of their own! Call it femanonics or estrogish or whatever (see) below, but just like the military, gangs, rap, and nerds, there are code words that are unique to woman, and you would be well served to learn what they mean now.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.  This is the MOST frequent code word used, since you will always be wrong.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm, or the deep breathe before the plunge. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in 'fine' (see #1).

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about 'nothing'. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever' (see #8)).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

(10) Never mind: Is a the atomic bomb of code words! It combines the 'whatever' with 'that's OK' with 'nothing'!  In small words, you are about to head into an Armageddon unlike you have ever experienced, and in the end you will end in 'fine'.

(11) You Know What Would be Nice? Actually, this is just code for: I wish you would change, or I really do not like you this way, or I am really not satisfied with anything you do.  Oh, and no matter what you do or say, you will never be able to get out of this endless do-loop of expectations.  There is only one response to this, and that is "Yes Dear!"

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