Monday, December 31, 2012

How to Install Husband 1.0

Ladies, every wonder why guys are so difficult? It is because of our Hardware, Firmware, and Software installation of Husband1.0. I hope you know understand why it is so difficult to do!


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SPORTS 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Jane
Frustrated Luddite
_______________________________
Reply

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System (OS).

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.exe and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend:  Cooking 3.0, Good Looks 7.7, and the expansion packs Horny 3.0 and Vixen 1.1.

Good Luck Madam!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Live a Life Worth Living

Included is a short (3 min) film narrated by Alan Watts titled "What if Money Were No Object."   It talks about how to live a life worth living. As the Dali Lama says..

“Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future, that he does not enjoy the present moment. As a result, he does not live in the present or the future, he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never truly lived.”

Why Teachers Drink

This Post has to do with actual responses to this year’s GED exams taken by 16 year-olds across the country. Only the best where listed here, but is so sad to think that in a few years these kids will be able to vote. Wow. Enjoy, and be very, very afraid


Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

(mustard must be when the leaves turn yellow?)

Q
. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. 

(wow, covered all the bases with this one)
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. 

(this is a great Malapropism!) 
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. 

(well, partially true, no matter what we are going to get screwed in a election)

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 
(and apparently cosmopolitan too!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 
(OK..So true)
 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. 
(Oh my, I guess is what it means to go stud?)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. 
(Simple, but brilliant)
 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. 
(apparently, they were not using their brainium, and I would like to see this person take a dump)                                                 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium 
(That would work)
 

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome 
(at least they did not say a slice pizza)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. 
(Irrefutable)
 

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
 
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. 
(OMG)
 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 
(brilliant, and my brother’s daughter is my Denise)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 
(now I understand why the dervishes are whirling!)

Monday, December 24, 2012

Hope and a Reindeer

I hope all finds you well during this holiday season and for Christmas. If you believe or not what happened all those years ago, the season is about hope, joy, good will and for a better world. These are now universal thoughts, that were birthed in a little town of Bethlehem. In that vein, and since everyday is Fryday, I would like to share another story of hope..about how Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer came to pass. We all have a little misery come into our lives now and the, it is what we do with it that counts. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas..

 
A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life.

Life always had to be different for Bob. Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook!

Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day.
But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph.

That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either. 


Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.*

*MERRY CHRISTMAS*, May your days and ways be filled with good stories and great friends!!




Sunday, December 9, 2012

Philosophers' Philosophies on Marriage

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” ~David Bissonete 


“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..” ~Sacha Guitry 


“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.” ~Socrates 


“The great question which I have not been able to answer is,‘What does a woman want?’” ~Dumas


“I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.” ~James Holt McGavra 


“There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.” ~Sam Kinison 


“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.” ~Sigmund Freud 


“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” ~Anonymous 


“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” ~Anonymous 


 “My wife and I were happy for twenty years! Then we met.” ~Henny Youngman 


“The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....” ~Nash 


 ”Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming? 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.” ~Patrick Murra 


“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” ~Rodney Dangerfield


“A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine’.” ~Anonymous


“First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.’”  ~Anonymous

Monday, December 3, 2012

Only a Farm Kid...

This post goes to the heart of who I am… I went to school at a young age in what used to be the farmlands of Smokey Mountain Piedmont in Virginia about an hour’s drive west from D.C.. When out in the sticks, everything seems different…even our common language has totally different meanings…so when you speak, careful to know "where" you are...


 


A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A Call From the Past

Marcus Tullius Cicero was a Roman philosopher, statesman, lawyer, orator, political theorist, consul and constitutionalist. He was definitely right about Rome, and every empire since...

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving...in Earnest

OK, yes Thanksgiving is coming soon, and of course we start thinking of all those things we are thanking for.  For me, thanksgiving is an everyday thing for me and your friendship. In great and small ways, I am grateful and humbled by the vast and varied number of friends in my life. The tapestry you have woven in my life is so diverse and beautiful as to be breathtaking…and I cannot believe how lucking I am.  As a little bonus, I thought you would appreciate the story below, about how divine each of you are…

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him some chips. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

His smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted!

They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever..

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, "dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime!

May you all find the God within you…Happy Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A Democracy Cannot Exist...

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years.” - Alex De Tocqueville

Friday, October 26, 2012

What is Thirst?

A wise philosopher was once asked, "What is it like to thirst?" by a man in his village...>

He looked at the man, grinned...  Then grabbed him swiftly by the back of his coat, and drug him over violently to a nearby fountain... the man fought, but it was to no avail...he was the thrust, headfirst into the fountain...

The philosopher forced the man's head down without any signs of mercy...

The man fought with all of his life, but he was growing weaker by the moment, as the air was being used up in his lungs.

He started to go limp...and at that very moment, the philosopher pulled him out of the water...

The man gasped for air, grateful to be alive...exhausted...he laid on the ground...

The philosopher said to him, "That's what it's like to thirst."

So...what makes you passionate in life...what would you die for, what takes your breathe away? Unless you know what that is, and pursue that knowledge you are just wandering. Without this drive, the chances for your success in business (or life) will be severely lessened.. Go, and get THIRSTY!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Promiscuity Perspective

Sometimes, you think something may seem one way, when in effect, the perfectly logical explanation is staring you straight in the face.  Here is an example..

If a woman sleeps with 3 men, everyone calls her a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

It is very simple Confucius say..."When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when on key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!" 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Puns a Plenty

This post is near and dear to my heart…puns! Below are some situations that we are really familiar with, but whose outcomes may make your grown! Please, please, please realize this is NOT for the faint of heart, but should bring you a chuckle no matter what day it is or where you are.
________________________________________
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

A mechanic once owned a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed... "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!" (he who hesitates is lost...)

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that..the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one if you were not good in math).

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Age is Wisdom

Sometimes we have to thank old people and the wisdom they possess. Some of this wisdom comes from the “old country,” but is still is priceless. You may want to think about this type of wisdom when running your own business as well.
________________________________________
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?......... "What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"

Friday, October 12, 2012

A Tale of Two Parties

Here is a little tale of how two opposing political opinions see each other's side as it sometimes happens in families. Although this a huge simplification it is funny…to a point, and thought with the political fight going on…an appropriate one? OK, I know the emails I am going to get..and that is OK...
________________________________________
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words "redistribution of wealth."

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends, because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The Other Side.'

Friday, October 5, 2012

5 Minute Management

As you know, I do a lot of work with start ups, and giving people advice on marketing, sales, and business in general, but have always had a difficult time coming up with a good lesson plan until now.  Today’s post hopes to change that in a humorous way. I call it the: 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
 
Lesson 1:
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
 
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
 
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?""It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
 
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
 
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 
Lesson 2:
 
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
 
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
 
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
 
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
 
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
 
Lesson 3:
 
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
 
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
 
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
 
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
 
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
 
Lesson 4:
 
An eagle was sitting high up on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
 
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
 
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
 
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
Lesson 5:
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
 
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
 
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 
Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
 
Lesson 6:
 
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
 
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 
Lesson 7:

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life and never depend on the press to get your story right, so sometimes PR is useless.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
 
THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE