Saturday, July 31, 2010

Why Men Are Happier

He is a humor about  why guys are happier. Now girls, you know this is true and how much I love you, but guys just have it easy. Yes, yes, yes, it is NOT fair, but it is what it is. Of course, not all women fall into this trap, but at least most of the guys do. Hope this puts a smile on your sunshiny faces?
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Men Are Just Happier People: Want Proof? What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Bugs are just things to kill not run away from. Goes for snakes, mice, rats, and spiders too! You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. Burping and farting is just funny, especially in public.


You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. All the other holidays are just an excuse for us to barbeque, and/or drink beer.


No wonder men are happier.


Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bounded

Samson chained upon a wall
With his strength gave it all
Tumbled Temple with his might
Forever gone was his sight

Fire giver left in chains

Raptors feast on its remains
Gift of wisdom with the light
Humans freed now delight

Planets, moons, orbs in space

Fixed, aligned held in place
Nature’s pull on them so tight
Against it so the orbits fight

Bounded I am to this embrace

Tied my heart with its full grace
Hope eternal will alight
Honor holds me to its bite 


   ---Jeffrey Fry

Stupid & Obvious Things

This post deals with things that on the surface look totally acceptable, but when phrased a certain way, well are like kind of stupid. The remind me something George Carlin would have said or written, and some might even be his. Anyway, thanks Tom Feige for the forward. I hope these bring some chuckles to your already great day! Enjoy, I did. Warmly, Jeffrey

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Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..


Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Brail lettering.


EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the inanity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) ..in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Are you a Lexophiliac?

For all of you who love wordplay (which includes me), I think you will enjoy this lovely list of, um words! Enjoy, smile, and love heartily for life is too short to be little. Love, Jeffrey

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


2. A will is a dead giveaway.


3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


4. A backward poet writes inverse.


5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


10. A calendar's days are numbered.


11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.


12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. (this is my favorite)


14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'


And two bonus ones...


1. The man who ran into a screen door and strained himself

2. If you fall into the lens grinding machine you will only make a spectacle of yourself.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Stretch You Mind

Good morning world! OK, I know it is Fryday, and you have had a tiring week, and you just want to go drink Mai Thais, martinis and margaritas, but before you go off into the weekend, I thought I would humor you today with something that combines humor and, well, thinking! Of course, this will NOT be too tough, but I think you will enjoy it once you have been properly “caffeinated!” Anyway, so to make it more fun, I listed all the questions first, then again with the answers following. Some of these you might have seen before, but this is the first time I put the ALL together. Hope this NOT only stretches your mind, but your mouth into a smile as well. “Keep hanging by your thumbs and write when you find work (Mel Brooks).” Cheers!
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He Didn't Break the Law

A boy who was just learning how to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but he didn't break the law. How come?

Women and Shoes
One day, two mothers and two daughters went shopping for shoes. Their shopping spree was successful — each bought a pair of shoes, and all together, they had three pairs. How is this possible?

It only takes Five Minutes
A lady shoots her husband, she then holds him under the water for over five minutes. Finally she hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?

Three Consecutive Days
Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? (or day names in any other language)

Deep Question
How much dirt is in a round hole that is 9 feet deep with a diameter of 3 feet? (Hint: You don’t have to do any math to get the answer. Just use your head!)

Need for Speed
Why was a lady able to pass three cars going 70 miles-per-hour, while she was going only 60 miles-per-hour?

Which Room? You decide
A man is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in three years. Which room is the safest?

The Horse and the Hay
A horse is tied to a rope six feet long and there is a bale of hay 8 feet away. How can the horse get to the hay if he does not bite or undo the rope?

Who is that man?
John and Mark are chatting at a party. John notices a man on the other side of the room and points him out to Mark. John says: "Brothers and sisters, I have none, but that man's father is my father's son." Who is john talking about?

How can this be?
A man and his son where involved in a road traffic accident, the father died at the scene of the accident and the little boy was rushed to hospital. When he arrived the surgeon said "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." How can this be?

Men in Black
A man wearing all black, black shoes, socks, trousers, top even a balaclava. He is walking down a street where all the street lights were off. A lady comes towards him in a car and stops to let him across the road. How did the driver see the man?

Round or Square?
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

Party Punch
A man went to a friend's party and drank some punch. He then left early. Later everyone else drank the punch and died of poisoning. Nobody had anything to the punch after the man left. He did not die and he is not superman! How is this possible?

Barman with a Gun
A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the barman for a glass of water. With that the barman pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at the man. The man stands up, says "Thank you" and leaves the bar. Why did the man express his gratitude?

Crossing the River
A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river.
He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing.
If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken.
If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn.
How does the man do it?


ANSWERS::


He Didn't Break the Law
A boy who was just learning how to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but he didn't break the law. How come?
Answer
He was walking.

Women and Shoes
One day, two mothers and two daughters went shopping for shoes. Their shopping spree was successful — each bought a pair of shoes, and all together, they had three pairs. How is this possible?
Answer
Only three people went shopping: a grandmother, a mother, and a daughter — but remember that the mother was the grandmother's daughter!

It only takes Five Minutes

A lady shoots her husband, she then holds him under the water for over five minutes. Finally she hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?
Answer
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and then hung it up to dry.

Three Consecutive Days

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? (or day names in any other language)
Answer
Yesterday, today, tomorrow

Deep Question
How much dirt is in a round hole that is 9 feet deep with a diameter of 3 feet? (Hint: You don’t have to do any math to get the answer. Just use your head!)
Answer
None. You make a hole by digging out the dirt, so the hole is empty.

Need for Speed

Why was a lady able to pass three cars going 70 miles-per-hour, while she was going only 60 miles-per-hour?
Answer
The cars she passed where going in the opposite direction.

Which Room? You decide

A man is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in three years. Which room is the safest?
Answer
The third. The lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.

The Horse and the Hay
A horse is tied to a rope six feet long and there is a bale of hay 8 feet away. How can the horse get to the hay if he does not bite or undo the rope?
Answer:
The rope is not tied to anything, so the horse has no problem getting to the bale of hay.

Who is that man?

John and Mark are chatting at a party. John notices a man on the other side of the room and points him out to Mark. John says: "Brothers and sisters, I have none, but that man's father is my father's son." Who is john talking about?
Answer:
John's son.

How can this be?
A man and his son where involved in a road traffic accident, the father died at the scene of the accident and the little boy was rushed to hospital. When he arrived the surgeon said "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." How can this be?
Answer:
The surgeon is the boy's mother.

Men in Black

A man wearing all black, black shoes, socks, trousers, top even a balaclava. He is walking down a street where all the street lights were off. A lady comes towards him in a car and stops to let him across the road. How did the driver see the man?
Answer:
It was daytime.

Round or Square?

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
Answer:
A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round cover cannot fall into the manhole. From a practical view point, it's much easier to move as it can be rolled.

Party Punch

A man went to a friend's party and drank some punch. He then left early. Later everyone else drank the punch and died of poisoning. Nobody had anything to the punch after the man left. He did not die and he is not superman! How is this possible?
Answer:
The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

Barman with a Gun
A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the barman for a glass of water. With that the barman pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at the man. The man stands up, says "Thank you" and leaves the bar. Why did the man express his gratitude?
Answer:
The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this and decided to shock the man to get rid of them. It worked so the man left without his water.

Crossing the River

A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river.
He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing.
If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken.
If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn.
How does the man do it?
Answer:
The man and the chicken cross the river, (the fox and corn are safe together), he leaves the chicken on the other side and goes back across.
The man then takes the fox across the river, and since he can't leave the fox and chicken together, he brings the chicken back.
Again, since the chicken and corn can't be left together, he leaves the chicken and he takes the corn across and leaves it with the fox.
He then returns to pick up the chicken and heads across the river one last time.

Friday, July 9, 2010

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean no sex since 1955!'

She led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

(Gotta love military time)