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Blues' Rules

OK, SXSW ( www.sxsw.com) is happening and below is a great list of what is and is not considered “Blues.” As an FYI, I have been participating in an entrepreneurial event called RISE Austin (www.riseaustin.com), and I have to say it gives me pause and great hope for this country and world to see so many enthusiastic, brilliant people pursuing their dreams. Hell, isn’t that what life is all about anyway? OK, this post also lets you “design” your own blues name. For the next two weeks mine is “Crippled Key-Lime Jackson.” You will understand when you get to it. Have a super day, turn on some music, and just be grateful that at least one person in the world loves you. I am!! Love ya, Crippled Key-Lime Jackson.

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."


2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."


3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."


4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die and layin’ in the street or gutter.


6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. New Orleans is still iffy, but a good place too. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.


8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is. Getting sun burn is Hawaii ain’t the blues, but getting sun burn because you been walkin’ all day is.


9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


10. Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it, and it’s tattered.


13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt
b. You’re blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied

14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund 

e. You went to college

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues even with all the stuff going on. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues, as well as people missin’ lots of teeth or an eye or a limb.


16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.


17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee

e. Your tears

18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast 

e. Any Starbucks beverage

19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.


20. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

21. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

22. Persons with names like Jennifer, Amber, Courtney, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, iPod, or cell phone, you cannot sing the blues.

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