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20 Random Thoughts of Wisdom

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way... So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone. But it's still on the list.

6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

13. Be happy a thorn bush has roses, not upset that a rose has thorns.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it In a fruit salad.

15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

16. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

18. Having a child makes you no more of a parent than owning a piano makes you a pianist.

19. Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

20. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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