Sunday, January 17, 2010

Viva la Difference: Women & Men

This is a funny video explaining the difference between how men think and how woman think called the Tail of Two Brains.  The video is by Mark Gungor and he uses boxes to describe the difference.  Thanks Barry Thornton (a super brillian individual and good friend) for the forward.  Enjoy!!

Friday, January 15, 2010

20 Random Thoughts of Wisdom

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way... So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone. But it's still on the list.

6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

13. Be happy a thorn bush has roses, not upset that a rose has thorns.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it In a fruit salad.

15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

16. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

18. Having a child makes you no more of a parent than owning a piano makes you a pianist.

19. Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

20. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Alternative Meanings

Every year, the Washington Post puts out a request for its readers to submit alternative meanings to common words. They call it the neologism contest and below is the 2009 winners as judged by the editors of the paper. I really like how some of these “new” meanings actually make more sense than the old ones. The second list involves taking any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.
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Alternative Definitions:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), the state of being appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent, flaccid.

6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Change One Item of a Word and Supply New Definition:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (that one got extra credit)

9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.