Friday, December 24, 2010

What is Love (Kids Know!)

My dear friends…tomorrow the world celebrates in its many ways the birth of a baby that would make humanity whole again and absolve us of our sins. Many, many, many people have argued over, fought and died in defense of and belief in this be they right or wrong, but one thing they all agreed on was his message of love for humanity. So, in the spirit of love I attach this Fryday humor post. Essentially, the question “What does love mean?” was posed to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. It is said that we are all born poets, as our mother’s hearts beat in iambic pentameter, but that the pressures and stress of life slowly chokes that ability from us. I wonder if it is true about love too? Do we all naturally know how to love instinctively, but slowly move away from that understanding? Hum, I think there is even a saying about this, “Let the children come to me, and do not keep them away, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” Anyway, It seems these young ones explain and demonstrate this complex and many faceted ideal very well in their descriptions of love. Enjoy, and I hope be enlightened…Love, and a Merry Christmas to all!

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. 
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. 
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne, and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. 
My Mommy and Daddy are like that.  They look gross when they kiss.'
Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'

Nikka - age 6 (We need a few million more Nikka's on this planet.)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day..'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my Daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

'My Mommy loves me more than anybody. 
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8

And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.


When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry.' (Amen to that!)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

How NOT to Stand OUT!

LinkedIn just published a list this week of the top 10 most overused descriptions their subscribers use about themselves. The list was aggregated from more than 85 million user profiles. While many of these may sound like great things to have on your resume, because EVERYBODY is saying the same thing, you actually become LESS distinctive and more run-of-the-mill.

In order to be noticed, you need to be set apart from the Moldy-Middle. So, instead of using "generic" descriptors, use specific accomplishments. Example: Results Oriented: State, made over $50 million in sales / $10 million in profits for XYZ Corp in 10 months!!! Now that is results oriented. As another caution, no one really cares much what you did for someone else, what they want to know is what you will do for THEM, so state it. "I can increase profits where ever I go..." Get the drift? Now, do NOT lie, but just tell it like it is...


Oh, as a word of caution, if you are looking for a job, stet entrepreneurial... Only REALLY being an entrepreneur counts there.


BTW, here is the list if you are interested.

1. Extensive experience

2. Innovative
3. Motivated
4. Results-oriented
5. Dynamic
6. Proven track record
7. Team player
8. Fast-paced
9. Problem solver
10. Entrepreneurial (really?)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Heaven Can Wait

We all are going to face our mortality, but sometimes having a good perspective helps. Hope you enjoy this Fryday Humor post?
______________________________________________

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.


One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.


They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'


The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.


'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.


'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

 
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'


'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.


'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'


'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'


The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Paraprosdokians (humor)

Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation"). Some of these I am sure you have seen elsewhere, but all are very funny, especially now all in one place. At a minimum, hope this brings a smile to your face..
________________________________________
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (And some never learn!)

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify: I put “DOCTOR."

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I take life with a grain of salt; plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Ø In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

Ø Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Ø Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Ø Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Ø Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ø Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Ø Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Ø My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Ø Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Thoughs About Anne Ruth

A friend of mine was forwarded the follow "eulogy" concerning a colleague and friend who wrote about the colleague's recently deceased, developmentally-disabled sister-in-law. Her colleague (Gail) comes from a high-achieving family (she's a Ph.D. and MBA) that values intellect and education. When Gail told my friend about her sister-in-law's passing and about her sister-in-law, my friend asked her to send her this letter. I was fortunate to have it sent to me. I found it well worth reading as it shows how wisdom does NOT always come with intelligence and sometimes the graces of life are bestowed to the humblest of individuals..to Anne Ruth!

Thoughts about Anne Ruth
Gail Golden

We have come together today to mourn our loss of Anne Ruth Golden, and to remember and celebrate her life. Our task is a complicated one, because Anne was an unusual person.

The Goldens are a family of extraordinary intellectual and professional achievement. We are lawyers, doctors, professors, psychologists, musicians, entrepreneurs, scientists, writers, and teachers. We value intellect and learning.

I remember when my sons were babies and I would watch as they developed language and reasoning skills. They passed Anne Ruth by the time they were 2½. On any scale of conventional intelligence, Anne Ruth fell very short.

Some people would regard this as an unmitigated tragedy. They would look at Anne’s limitations, both intellectual and physical, and pity her. But I would suggest to you that Anne’s life was full of meaning and purpose, and that she has left behind a legacy that enriches all of us. So here is my list of Anne Ruth Golden’s Ten Rules for Living:

1. Live with gusto. Dan and I recently went through our boxes of family pictures and pulled out photos of Anne Ruth. I was struck by how, in picture after picture, she was animated, engaged, and laughing. Anne was fully present and involved in everything she did. She enjoyed life and was a gung-ho participant in the wild and crazy life of the Goldens.
2. Communicate directly. Anne’s verbal language was limited but effective. Her non-verbal language was even more straightforward. When Anne thought it was time for you to go home, she brought you a coat. It might not be yours, but she got the point across. There was no pretense with Anne – she said what she meant.
3. Be persistent. I remember sitting with Anne at a party and having a conversation for about a half hour. Anne had about three topics she wanted to talk about that day – probably they were going to a restaurant, being with her mother, and having a bath. I am a pretty skilled conversationalist, but I learned quickly that there was no distracting Anne from what she wanted to focus on. She stuck to what was important to her.
4. Be gentle. Anne was very sensitive to illness and to sadness. She would respond with gentle touch and soft cooing sounds. She loved babies and children and was always mild and kind in her approach to them. She did not know how to be harsh or judgmental.
5. Take life with equanimity. There may have been moments in Anne’s life when she got angry, but in the 41 years I knew her, I never once saw it. Her life was full of frustration, but somehow she took it all in stride. So many of us spend so much time and energy getting angry about things that don’t really matter. Anne knew better.
6. Enjoy music. Anne shared the Golden family love of – and talent for –music. She sang beautifully with accurate pitch and had an excellent sense of rhythm. She loved concerts and family musicales. Anne was more willing and able to accomplish physical tasks when people sang encouraging songs to her.
7. Pay attention to emotional nuances. Anne was remarkably aware of emotional subtleties. A striking example comes from early in my relationship with Dan. Anne was extremely fond of Dan, and did not have much use for me – I think she saw me as an interloper and a hussy. Sometimes Paula would ask her to give me a hug, but Anne was having none of that – until our wedding day. After Anne saw Dan and me under the chuppah, she embraced me, and she was affectionate with me from then on. As much as anyone else who came to our wedding, Anne understood the significance of what happened that day.
8. Practice rituals. Anne loved rituals, both religious and secular. Whether it was lighting the candles on Friday night or enjoying evening cocoa, Anne relished the ceremonies and patterns that provided structure and predictability to her life. She was insistent on maintaining those rituals and appreciative when others conformed to her ideas of what should be done.
9. Love profoundly. Anne’s devotion to family and close friends was indescribable. She personified the concept of unconditional love. Her delight in the company of those she loved was obvious and inspiring.
10. Laugh. Anne had a sly sense of humor. She laughed often, both in delight and because something was funny. Watching her dissolve into helpless giggles was infectious and wonderful.

These are Anne’s rules: live with gusto, communicate directly, be persistent, be gentle, take life with equanimity, enjoy music, pay attention to emotional nuances, practice rituals, love profoundly, and laugh. They are her legacy to us. Anne taught us all how to be human – what it means to be a person beyond how smart you are. Her life was hard and challenging, both for her and for the people around her. It was also glorious and inspiring, and we were blessed to have her among us.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

New Retail Concept

RECENTLY a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes and cost as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands....

First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are bloody impossible to please. The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a “New Wives Store” just across the street with a six floor concept.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Have a nice day…

Thursday, November 25, 2010

We Give Thanks...

Yes, today is a day we set aside why we are thankful, and for that, I am glad…but much like Scrooge was transformed to live Christmas in his heart every day, I am thankful always. I will not go into why or how. I am glad that at least one day is set aside for others to acknowledge their gratitude, but thought I would pen why I give thanks everyday

I am thankful for nature, for it gives me beauty in unexpected ways and places

I am thankful for my enemies, for they keep me strong and honest

I am thankful for my faith, for it gives me light when I walk in the valley of darkness

I am thankful for music, for it stirs the soul and awakens the spirit

I am thankful for those who create, for they awaken a universe of possibilities and mimic the Creator

I am thankful for the kindness of strangers, for they remind me of our divinity within

I am thankful for great writers, for they share their wisdom throughout the ages

I am thankful for sorrow and pain, for it makes me appreciate joy and gladness more

I am thankful for freedom and liberty, for it allows us to enjoy the pursuit of happiness in our own way

I am thankful for great performers, for they go into the arena of criticism to demonstrate their talents

I am thankful for my parents, though the may be flawed, they are what brought me into this world

I am thankful for my intelligence, because it allows me to recognize all that I am blessed with

I am thankful for my health, for it is my foundation and allows me enjoy all my blessings unencumbered

But mostly, I am thankful for you…

For you give me strength when I am weak

You give me support when I stumble

You lend me a hand when I fall

You give me encouragement to make a difference

You give me a reason to contribute to something bigger than myself

You push me to invent, to create, to dream

You are the glue that assembles all my disassembled parts

You add to me in so many unseen and intangible ways

You give me the wings to fly when I jump off the cliff and,

The soft landing in the net when I land

But mostly you give me the love of friendship…and that alone sustains my soul and spirit through any adversity.

It nourishes the psyche and feeds the enlightened mind

I only hope you always realize this…You are my gift and for that I am always Thankful..

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Hanging Baskets (humor)

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!


The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.


The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.


The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...


The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."


Happy Gardening.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Ten Random Thoughts

Today post is just 10 funny, random thoughts or quickies. I guess it is appropriate in our ADHD / Frenetic world which you call life and going back to school. I hope you enjoy these little pearls of punditry.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me..


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunking.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?...maybe if they had been allowed to in school, they would've stayed out of prison?


Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?


Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Friday, October 8, 2010

When You Know Too Much (humor)

As you know, I like being informed and have been guilty spreading some falsehoods over the web due in fact for how easy it is to do. I now see what this has done over the years to some of my good female friends (and male) as indicated in the email I received the other day from Kimberly. Funny to see them all in one place! I hope you enjoyed the absurdities as much as I! Here they are:

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t go to Wal*mart without wearing blinders for fear of seeing butt cracks and other things that might blind me! You know who you are that sends me these pictures! I laugh until I have to go to Wal*mart for more depends.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open f or the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 in coins dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over...

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off..

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Pharmacology 101

Some time ago, I used to work for a company that come up with names for drugs. Yes, some of them were pretty funny, but actually, there is some science to it. ****WARNING*** this post contains some suggestive language, so if you get offended easily, please do not read (which means I know you are still going to read it!). Anyway, this is pretty funny, and I hope it gives you a chuckle!

PHARMACOLOGY 101


The trade name is Tylenol® and its generic or common name is Acetaminophen. Aleve® is also called Naproxen.


Amoxil® is also called Amoxicillin and Advil® is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra®. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.


Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra® will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi® Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', and 'highballs'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra® today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Goals v. Actions

I recently posted a quotation on my wordecho blog about committing to action as opposed to committing to a goal. The quotation is:

“Committing to a goal does not always bring action, yet committing to an action will invariably bring you to your goal.”
--Jeffrey Fry

I actually got some feedback on this in the form of a question:


“But what if it turns out to be an action that doesn't produce the results you ultimately want. If you commit to a goal, then you will alter your actions to be consistent with fulfilling that goal.”

This is actually an excellent question, but one that does not understand the difference between setting a goal and actually achieving it.

Let me explain. You have a goal, but you commit to an action..case in point.. Losing weight: Many, many people commit to a goal, say losing 10lbs..and when they do not start to lose weight, then feel like they are failing. Now if you commit to the action(s) of eating right, going to the gym 3 times a week to work out for an hour, and not cheating, then, you will hit your weight loss goal. All during that time you are in control of your actions, and are let helpless to the vagaries of fate or whatever in achieving them. Many people commit to goals: to start a company, get wealthy, become a better such-and-such, but few ever achieve them because the NEVER commit to an action of doing the first step...Case in point: Obama...he committed to goals but not once did he ever commit to an action to implement those goals, so it FEELS like he is failing...sort of like the war on drugs or poverty or terrorism...commit to the actions and the goals will come...remember padawan..even the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step (an action).

Sunday, August 29, 2010

What is A Man?

What is a man?

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.......

Friday, August 13, 2010

Sex And Automobiles

OK everyone, get your minds OUT OF THE GUTTER, on second thought, no just keep wallowing there. I am doing something different for my Fryday post, and sending videos but I cannot since they are too BIG. Yes, today IS Fryday the 13th and I thought I should do something special. OMGolly, yes, I am getting hip, and doing video. Ooooh! 

Two commercials, one from Dodge, one from Mercedes that involve sexual innuendo. Both are pretty funny but for TOTALLY different reasons. The Dodge one uses reverse stereotypes and the Mercedes one, well, is just so European. I hope, no, I know these will make you chuckle. If you want to view them, click here. Enjoy, and happy, um, motoring? I goes to show the power of humor in marketing your message and allow potentially new customers to begin the engagement process.


Mercedes Winter

Mine is 7" Bigger

Friday, August 6, 2010

UCLA Study On Women

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short). A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.

Sort of puts the subject in the right light?

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Why Men Are Happier

He is a humor about  why guys are happier. Now girls, you know this is true and how much I love you, but guys just have it easy. Yes, yes, yes, it is NOT fair, but it is what it is. Of course, not all women fall into this trap, but at least most of the guys do. Hope this puts a smile on your sunshiny faces?
__________________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People: Want Proof? What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Bugs are just things to kill not run away from. Goes for snakes, mice, rats, and spiders too! You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. Burping and farting is just funny, especially in public.


You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. All the other holidays are just an excuse for us to barbeque, and/or drink beer.


No wonder men are happier.


Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bounded

Samson chained upon a wall
With his strength gave it all
Tumbled Temple with his might
Forever gone was his sight

Fire giver left in chains

Raptors feast on its remains
Gift of wisdom with the light
Humans freed now delight

Planets, moons, orbs in space

Fixed, aligned held in place
Nature’s pull on them so tight
Against it so the orbits fight

Bounded I am to this embrace

Tied my heart with its full grace
Hope eternal will alight
Honor holds me to its bite 


   ---Jeffrey Fry

Stupid & Obvious Things

This post deals with things that on the surface look totally acceptable, but when phrased a certain way, well are like kind of stupid. The remind me something George Carlin would have said or written, and some might even be his. Anyway, thanks Tom Feige for the forward. I hope these bring some chuckles to your already great day! Enjoy, I did. Warmly, Jeffrey

_________________________________________________

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..


Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Brail lettering.


EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the inanity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) ..in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Are you a Lexophiliac?

For all of you who love wordplay (which includes me), I think you will enjoy this lovely list of, um words! Enjoy, smile, and love heartily for life is too short to be little. Love, Jeffrey

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


2. A will is a dead giveaway.


3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


4. A backward poet writes inverse.


5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


10. A calendar's days are numbered.


11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.


12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. (this is my favorite)


14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'


And two bonus ones...


1. The man who ran into a screen door and strained himself

2. If you fall into the lens grinding machine you will only make a spectacle of yourself.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Stretch You Mind

Good morning world! OK, I know it is Fryday, and you have had a tiring week, and you just want to go drink Mai Thais, martinis and margaritas, but before you go off into the weekend, I thought I would humor you today with something that combines humor and, well, thinking! Of course, this will NOT be too tough, but I think you will enjoy it once you have been properly “caffeinated!” Anyway, so to make it more fun, I listed all the questions first, then again with the answers following. Some of these you might have seen before, but this is the first time I put the ALL together. Hope this NOT only stretches your mind, but your mouth into a smile as well. “Keep hanging by your thumbs and write when you find work (Mel Brooks).” Cheers!
____________________________________

He Didn't Break the Law

A boy who was just learning how to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but he didn't break the law. How come?

Women and Shoes
One day, two mothers and two daughters went shopping for shoes. Their shopping spree was successful — each bought a pair of shoes, and all together, they had three pairs. How is this possible?

It only takes Five Minutes
A lady shoots her husband, she then holds him under the water for over five minutes. Finally she hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?

Three Consecutive Days
Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? (or day names in any other language)

Deep Question
How much dirt is in a round hole that is 9 feet deep with a diameter of 3 feet? (Hint: You don’t have to do any math to get the answer. Just use your head!)

Need for Speed
Why was a lady able to pass three cars going 70 miles-per-hour, while she was going only 60 miles-per-hour?

Which Room? You decide
A man is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in three years. Which room is the safest?

The Horse and the Hay
A horse is tied to a rope six feet long and there is a bale of hay 8 feet away. How can the horse get to the hay if he does not bite or undo the rope?

Who is that man?
John and Mark are chatting at a party. John notices a man on the other side of the room and points him out to Mark. John says: "Brothers and sisters, I have none, but that man's father is my father's son." Who is john talking about?

How can this be?
A man and his son where involved in a road traffic accident, the father died at the scene of the accident and the little boy was rushed to hospital. When he arrived the surgeon said "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." How can this be?

Men in Black
A man wearing all black, black shoes, socks, trousers, top even a balaclava. He is walking down a street where all the street lights were off. A lady comes towards him in a car and stops to let him across the road. How did the driver see the man?

Round or Square?
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

Party Punch
A man went to a friend's party and drank some punch. He then left early. Later everyone else drank the punch and died of poisoning. Nobody had anything to the punch after the man left. He did not die and he is not superman! How is this possible?

Barman with a Gun
A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the barman for a glass of water. With that the barman pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at the man. The man stands up, says "Thank you" and leaves the bar. Why did the man express his gratitude?

Crossing the River
A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river.
He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing.
If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken.
If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn.
How does the man do it?


ANSWERS::


He Didn't Break the Law
A boy who was just learning how to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but he didn't break the law. How come?
Answer
He was walking.

Women and Shoes
One day, two mothers and two daughters went shopping for shoes. Their shopping spree was successful — each bought a pair of shoes, and all together, they had three pairs. How is this possible?
Answer
Only three people went shopping: a grandmother, a mother, and a daughter — but remember that the mother was the grandmother's daughter!

It only takes Five Minutes

A lady shoots her husband, she then holds him under the water for over five minutes. Finally she hangs him. Five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a lovely meal. How can that be?
Answer
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and then hung it up to dry.

Three Consecutive Days

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? (or day names in any other language)
Answer
Yesterday, today, tomorrow

Deep Question
How much dirt is in a round hole that is 9 feet deep with a diameter of 3 feet? (Hint: You don’t have to do any math to get the answer. Just use your head!)
Answer
None. You make a hole by digging out the dirt, so the hole is empty.

Need for Speed

Why was a lady able to pass three cars going 70 miles-per-hour, while she was going only 60 miles-per-hour?
Answer
The cars she passed where going in the opposite direction.

Which Room? You decide

A man is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in three years. Which room is the safest?
Answer
The third. The lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.

The Horse and the Hay
A horse is tied to a rope six feet long and there is a bale of hay 8 feet away. How can the horse get to the hay if he does not bite or undo the rope?
Answer:
The rope is not tied to anything, so the horse has no problem getting to the bale of hay.

Who is that man?

John and Mark are chatting at a party. John notices a man on the other side of the room and points him out to Mark. John says: "Brothers and sisters, I have none, but that man's father is my father's son." Who is john talking about?
Answer:
John's son.

How can this be?
A man and his son where involved in a road traffic accident, the father died at the scene of the accident and the little boy was rushed to hospital. When he arrived the surgeon said "I cannot operate on this boy, he is my son." How can this be?
Answer:
The surgeon is the boy's mother.

Men in Black

A man wearing all black, black shoes, socks, trousers, top even a balaclava. He is walking down a street where all the street lights were off. A lady comes towards him in a car and stops to let him across the road. How did the driver see the man?
Answer:
It was daytime.

Round or Square?

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
Answer:
A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round cover cannot fall into the manhole. From a practical view point, it's much easier to move as it can be rolled.

Party Punch

A man went to a friend's party and drank some punch. He then left early. Later everyone else drank the punch and died of poisoning. Nobody had anything to the punch after the man left. He did not die and he is not superman! How is this possible?
Answer:
The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

Barman with a Gun
A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the barman for a glass of water. With that the barman pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at the man. The man stands up, says "Thank you" and leaves the bar. Why did the man express his gratitude?
Answer:
The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this and decided to shock the man to get rid of them. It worked so the man left without his water.

Crossing the River

A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river.
He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing.
If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken.
If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn.
How does the man do it?
Answer:
The man and the chicken cross the river, (the fox and corn are safe together), he leaves the chicken on the other side and goes back across.
The man then takes the fox across the river, and since he can't leave the fox and chicken together, he brings the chicken back.
Again, since the chicken and corn can't be left together, he leaves the chicken and he takes the corn across and leaves it with the fox.
He then returns to pick up the chicken and heads across the river one last time.

Friday, July 9, 2010

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean no sex since 1955!'

She led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

(Gotta love military time)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

When Insults had Class

These very expressive insults are from an era, before the English language boiled down to four-letter and crude words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."

- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." 

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." 

- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." 

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." 

- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." 

- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." 

- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." 

- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." 

- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." 

- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" 

- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." 

- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." 

- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." 

- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." 

- Groucho Marx