Saturday, October 24, 2009

Teachers and Cops (humor)

This post is broken up into tow segments: The first is about actual comments made by New York City public school teachers about their students (of course, these teachers were reprimanded, but boy are they funny (and sad)). The second is about what police officers said to drivers taken from the police cams. Thanks Steve Ackley for the forward!
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These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (.....but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead...
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These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16- 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

#15- 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

#14- 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

#13- 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12- 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

#11- 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

#10- 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

#9- 'Warning! You want a warning? O..K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

#8- 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7- 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'


#6- 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

#5- 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

#4- 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

#3- 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

#2- 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1- 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Return To Skilled Trades?

Recently, I have read a lot of blogs and articles voicing the concern that America is loosing its desire to "work" and that we are outsourcing all our manual or manufacturing work overseas.  If you have ever seen the show Dirty Jobs on the Discovery and/or Science channel, you'll recognize Mike Rowe. Below is a fidoe he made concerning this topic: http://www.mikeroweworks.com/2009/07/mikes-mission-video/

This video introduce mikeroweworks.com and his plea to keep the "honesty" in an honest day's work. The synopsis of his plea is that his experiences as a traveling short-term apprentice for trade-type jobs has lead him to conclude that Americans are avoiding hard work or "dirty jobs" and that America is loathe to do the type of work to keep American strong. He feels that we have all become American Idles (not Idols).

So this begs the question:  "What is the likelihood that the tide can be reversed to show that jobs once considered "dirty (brown), honest jobs" which now fall under the umbrella of "blue collar" or manual labor, can be considered good, well paying, skilled labor?

I believe that this can happen. As Mike puts it: Brown before Green.

One thing about "skilled" trades: they CANNOT be shipped overseas! Yes, you MIGHT get immigrants to come in and suppress some jobs, but as things get MORE complicated, the skill set requirements for "manual" labor becomes more demanding, and untrained, uneducated laborers will not be able to compete for those jobs.

As an example, my oldest son has foregone college to become an auto mechanic that pays $40/hour! As he goes through the trades he can be earning $75/hour. He is bright enough to be an engineer, but feels "safer" with the skill trades, and plus he saves $200,000 in college costs while generating $100,000 in revenues. It will take him 20 years to make up that difference at zero interest, and 30 years at 6%!

So, economically, it is starting to make sense to look at the "trades" again.  Money, my friends, changes everything.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Poor Legislation

"You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
* Adrian Rogers, 1931 *

Saturday, October 10, 2009

History Rewritten (humor)

For all those who remember Art Linkletter’s show, “Kids say the darndest things” will appreciate this listing. For those who do not, some of these comments are so funny I just could not stop laughing. Look for the double entendre and malaprops. The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 1

4. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.