Thursday, March 19, 2009

Terms Of Endearment?

Subject: Letter from Management

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPED (Retire Aged People Early Departure).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFTED scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination Earnings Disbursement).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREWED program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers Earned Disposition).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) and CRAP (Continuous Readiness Asset Programming) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT and CRAP it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT or CRAP, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT and CRAP you can handle.

Sincerely,
Management

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